drowning in too many thoughts

August 13th, 2008

By loki |

So it’s me again. Trying to keep my head above the waters of confusion.

Too many things are going on right now for me to be able to focus.

I’m really starting to think that I need to cut away some of my commitments and just get some space. And it’s really weird for me to realize which things I’d cut away from first.

I’ve just had a DJ gig open up for me on Saturdays and realized, it’s no conflict, or problem for me. That’s how weird my world is right now. I’ve been given a night of DJing for 4-6 hours and I have no problem with it because it doesn’t conflict with every other night of my life that is causing conflicts and regrets….but now my Saturday nights are gone. I wasn’t using them in any way, but still, it’s one less night to myself….and yet I’m kind of happy about it and relieved. As if it’s something I really want and not just filling up time like I do with every other waking moment.

I really need to rethink how I’m living my life and what I want and what I’m doing. I’m definitly spreading myself too much with bands right now. I’m definitly not taking enough time off from work. I’m definitly being too social. I’m definitly not getting any real downtime.

I think I could handle all of this, if I just had a little more time. Time to get my self right inside. Time to recharge my inner self. I’m running on empty, surviving each day, then sleeping until the next day starts. I’m so tired. Tired of the day to day. all the things I’m committed to right now are just building.

My last vacation was a week off in January to see my Mom in California. and from that time all I really learned was sadness about how she is surviving without her best friend, my dad, and that I really miss the burgers from Brea’s Best. Before that I took off 3 weeks to play the Reliquary world tour of Portland/Leipzig. Other than that, I haven’t had any real time off since my father died and that wasn’t really a vacation or break from the world.

Now I’ve got a show in Missouri at the end of next month, along with closing on my first house, and another band that’s about to start playing out around town. I’m so tired.

Well things will work out or they won’t. I do know that I’m going to have a huge talk with Reliquary tomorrow at practice about my life and what’s going on with me and them…..It might be good.

I’m going to go collapse now.



Is this good or bad….

August 2nd, 2008

By loki |

I’m in such a strange place right now. My muse has come back to haunt me and I’m creating new songs again. I’ve been dry for about a month with no new ideas and just sitting up late at night drinking while looking at all the boxes we’ve packed for our hopeful move….no new song ideas in sight….

Suddenly fate steps in.

We’re offered a house(we’ve been offered lots, but never gotten an acceptance)but the date of closing will be when we’re in Missouri playing a show. On top of that some of our best friends break up(one of them being our keyboard player) throwing personal turmoil into the mix.

and then the cruelty hits…..my muse who has been silent for months shows up to give me new songs. Gods how I hate my muse. Most of my papers used for documenting chord progressions and synth sequences are already packed, all studio stuff not required are packed, simple chord sheets I prepared ahead of time are packed…..toping all of this off is the break up of our friends forcing me to store all of our keyboard players equipement in our temporary home….and I start playing with them and come up with 3 more songs….Damn you Muse….that I’m now trying to figure out the best way to record on scraps of paper….this on top of the fact that we’ve got 7 songs for cd 3 ready for serious recoding ideas before cd 2 is released….

Oh and this other band I’m in called the Low Men is about to release it’s first CD and start playing locally once a week if not more.

Then today we found out that we’re going to get the house we’ve been hoping for(inspections will be the deciding factor) but closing will happen the week before we leave for the Missouri show.

I’ve got too many conflicting things going on right now….really want them it all to work out but not seeing any thing being fixed.

In conclusion…..Have a huge show in 6 weeks…have a first home closing in 6 weeks….have a new cd out in 6-10 weeks. have another cd out in about 6 weeks…..missing convergence 14 this week….

…..going to go on rocking from today onward…



July 26th, 2008

By loki |

so I’m up late feeling sad and a little pissed off.

the basic sub plot that creates this is that 2 good friends of mine are now in a breakup situation. I know the general facts and how it all came about, and I have some personal feelings about how it came about and how it ended. Over all, I’m really sad for both of them and a little pissed at both of them(but that’s not what I’m really pissed about). I’m not planning on writing either of them off as friends, but the whole situation is making me seriously start to think about all of my relations with everyone I know. I’ve spent about an hour with my guitar feeling sad{please ignore this note, but I don’t want to forget it…G/Em/C/D-C/B/C/D…capo on 4th fret, open B and E strings} and thinking through what really pissed me off while trying to let the sadness back in.

So after a silly night of playing D&D where I did my best to jump up and down on the dead orcs we created we called it quits and I thought I could get home without having to discuss the break up of our friends…..but no we couldn’t get out in time and the subject came up. I tried to say nothing but eventually it was asked if I knew something and I stated quite clearly that I knew nothing and wanted it to stay that way. I really don’t want to get caught up in the rumor mill and don’t want to take sides….but this was more of a question about a fact and not a question of opinion….and I have no real facts other than they broke up, she’s gone for a week, he’s trying to find a place to live. …..and then it was made clear to me that it’s a good thing I don’t know because the others in the conversation do know and I might let some information slip if I was drunk.

thanks guys.

I appreciate your honest feelings of me.

and then the wheels start turning and I find myself trying to explain all of this to the stray cat that comes into our backyard hoping for food while I noodle around with my guitar on the patio.

For any of you helping out in a black op, coup, hostile takeover, leveraged buy out, or planned break up(yeah I know it might be the best solution)….don’t tell the people your decieving(or just keeping in the dark) that you’re keeping them in the dark. It’s unprofessional.

Normally I’d go on here about how no one really trusts me or wants to be around me but they are required to accept me because of other relations…..but I’ve used that excuse too many times. I’ll just go with the fact that I want to stay out of the rumor shit storm that’s coming so please leave me out of the conversations.

Other than that sad stuff….


No new news on the reliquary front other than some email arguments and lack of confirmation from our record label about new mixes. We do have about 6 new songs you will not be hearing for about a year, and about 14 other ideas that you probably won’t hear for 2 years….I’m just estimating on these dates.

The Low Men plan to release their first cd in early August and should be playing gigs around then too. The new drummer, Julie, is working out better than we had hoped for. She’s even proved her dedication by damaging her wrists from the daily practicing and now has to wear those bracers they give to people with carple tunnel syndrome. 2-3 hours of drum practice each day will do that. Keep your eyes on this space for upcoming show dates.

I don’t think I have much else to report. I haven’t written much because I’ve been so busy and things have been working out too well. I actually thought my muse had left me again. For the last 2 months I’ve been trying to create new music ideas and have just been left empty. but tonight, I was sad and she was there again humming songs into my head that I could create. I hate being sad, but at least I can create new song ideas while I’m there.

Anywho….I’m done for now. Maybe I’ll go play with my guitar some more, maybe I’ll youtube some 80’s new wave songs.



July 3rd, 2008

By loki |

up way too late…should have been asleep hours ago….bug since I was up I thought I’d post

so Loki news…nothing specific, other than really liking my friends more than usual. they’ve all stepped up and been there for me in ways they don’t even realize…

Job news….still reading huge documents everyday looking for typo’s and wishing there was some more glamour like ninja attacks or attempts poison me with the water cooler…none of these are likelly but the ninja attack would be cool to see.

Music news, 2 bands playing on July 4th….I am so prepared for this but so exhausted and I don’t think anyone knows how much time I’ve put into the whole thing. Really just want it to be over….

House Hunting….10 offers, 0 houses so far……at least the last denial wasn’t for a lower offer but higher down payment. Relistate prices confuse me. math is hard, lets go shopping…

I’ve just finished 90 minutes of Reliquary practice, 45 minutes bonding time with my Suriel, and 120 minutes of Acidica practice…I’m done and I need sleep..

Nite all…hope some of you come out to see us on the 4th….if not…check back here for updates on my mental state and possible houses for me and my Suriel.



time for a comercial break

May 6th, 2008

By loki |

I was so going to rant and rave about so many things….

buying a house is a lot of paper work and a lot of wait and see….

Bands are hard to be involved with…..they actually want you to participate….

jobs actually want you to show up every day….

gas and food is apparently more expensive…..

too many choices, not enough time….

short version of it all…..deep breathe….

Reliquary needs to meet and hear all the songs I’ve created
Low Men/Reptiles need never change their name again or I’ll be very pissed and refuse to acknowledge the band by anything other than the Reptiles….oh and we’ve got a drummer if we don’t scare her off, and I think she’s really working well with us….other than she mentioned she hiked 12 miles the other day…..what????
Acidica has aparently made me part of the team….I can’t really commit, but ye gods, it’s so fun to play these songs, and I’ve got all sorts of ideas for bass lines without changing their songs, just adding…

and I only have one more week of the occasional 13 hour day at work and can start going back to 40 hour weeks….sooon…..I think….

I’m tired…not that suicidal tired I usual refer to in my posts hoping someone…..anyone…will come to my aid….I’m just tired.

I want to sleep in. I want to wake up at 2 in the afternoon and not wonder if I was up late drinking on a nonwork night….I want to just collapse and get up eventually when my body and mind are both ready.

I need a night of sleep where not only do I not think of tomorrow, but I don’t think of what I need to do for taking tomorrow off…

I’m lost and a drift….and I’m going to try to lose myself a bit for the night…

nite all

I have no words….

April 21st, 2008

By loki |

I’ve had the most wonderful birthday I can remember. No angst, no regrets, no second thoughts about what I’d change….er…maybe a few second thoughts….but they would be limited to making sure we had correct addresses for everyone and made sure they all knew about it, as a few people never responded and weren’t there, and a few others found out at the last minute from other that we’re on their way over.


I love my friends so much. I had so much fun this weekend, and I even got stories, which was what I really wanted more than anything else. The painful rib cramps from laughing were also a nice bonus as they are supposed to represent replacing sit ups with laughing….and they do hurt more than any sit ups I’ve ever done and were more fun doing.

thank you all soooo much….not just for my birthday party, but for being my friends.

Muwah to all you….and eventually there will be pictures of me kissing ryan that will explain that sound.

Nite all.

I’m actually going to make a birthday demand

April 16th, 2008

By loki |

Howdy to the few of you that read this thing.

So, we’ve planned a birthday blow out party for me and Ryan on the 19th. It’s supposed to be just a big BBQ/drinking/silly get together. But I’ve just had an idea while playing with my guitar on the patio for the last hour.

I’ve decided that I’m going to resurrect my birthday request for stories. I don’t want presents, I want stories. Something that you can tell to me that helps me know you. I’ll even allow you to tell me a song that describes you and then go listen to it or maybe ask you to sing it(on short notice you might want to bring your own band, but we’ll have lots of musicians there that could possibly help). But be warned, should you actually show up at the party, I want you to tell me a story for a few minutes that really lets me know who you are and how you became that way, or give me a song to listen to that really describes you. I’m thinking about making up ticket/receipts for everyone that comes through the door. For some people I might even force them to play a guitar or sing something themselves….

I’m not being cruel….I just want to know who people are.


plans to keep my mind off of things

March 29th, 2008

By loki |

So I’ve decided I’m going to go see Yaz play in LA this summer. Not sure how I’ll afford it but I’m thinking that I’ll just sell my Cure and Eddie Izzard tickets, and any thing else I’ve got stored up. I’m going to see Allison Moyet sing live. I was just trolling through videos on youtube that she had done and found a version of Dido’s lament….and decided I have to be there sometime in my life when she sings. So it’s now my mission in life.

Yeah mourning is really screwing with me, but it’s also letting me set goals.


To quote Suriel…Life has got to stop sucking soon

March 27th, 2008

By loki |

So I’ve spent a large part of my night fighting and losing the battle not to sob like a little girl that just skinned her knee.

It all started last Tuesday when we put our offer in for the perfect house. While we were finishing that up, our good friend and third witness for our wedding was hanging himself. We only found out on Friday night by email. Then there was a weekend full of playing a show with all that entails and staying up much too late every nite keeping busy, followed by a week full of overtime at work and practices with 2 bands. Then tonight I came home to find that our dear Raji, the cat we’ve had for 15 years was not in a good way. We took him to the emergency vet and after hours of test were informed that he’s going through kidney failure and has been so lethargic and trying to hide because his body had no way to clear toxins for the last few days. We were given the option to spend a fuckton of money keeping him alive, but miserable for weeks, maybe months, or let him sleep. So we held him, we held each other, we cried, we told him how much we loved him and caressed him until the drugs took him away.

Geez, maybe suriel and I should have been adopting children instead of cats. They may be a pain to raise and cost more, but they usually outlive you. I remember at my brother’s funeral my dad stated that no father should have to bury his son. At my father’s funeral I remarked that I don’t think sons shouldn’t have to bury their fathers either. Right now I’m just wondering if there is an acceptable burial relationship…

I’m in a world of hurt right now. I was starting to deal with Fred killing himself, but having to hold my cat while he fades out was a bit much today. I’m going to have some drinks and sit on the patio playing sad songs to myself for a while.



Karma makes me her bitch again…

March 22nd, 2008

By loki |

So we worked out a ton of stuff with our label and the upcoming cd release which is going to be moved even farther back. But there is nothing but love between all involved making me wonder how I can cause so much trouble for the label and other bands just to have it all work out in my favor. Then I check my email tonight after accepting that all was well and found that a very good friend, Fred Dupre of Louisiana, has passed and the funeral is already over.

Suriel spent about half an hour being numb, then another half an hour crying in my arms, then finally gave in to exhaustion and went to bed. I’ve been up practicing songs for the Acidica show and hoping not to focus on the loss. and I’m going to end this post now rather than go into things that will make me sadder.

nite all