24 years since he went away

July 20th, 2011

By loki |

My brother died, he left me with lots of emotional issues to resolve on my own, he created rifts within my family.

he ruptured my life in California making it impossible for me or my parents to stay there.

He forced me to see how the strongest person still has weaknesses. He showed me that needing others isn’t really a weakness.

His death has made me realize I’m mortal. and I need to make all of my friends know how much they mean to me. but I am so scared to say it. I am so scared still. I wish I wasn’t. and that’s why I post here.

wonder if I even have readers anymore.

I will now go put on his jersey, have a drink, and feel sad.

a little upset

June 17th, 2011

By loki |

just spoke with my mother. she has been going to the braille institute. apperently her vision is getting worse. she is being taught how to use a cane. It’s messing with my head that she is losing this much vision. and I don’t know how to express it or share it or shout about it…as I am here…so far away. and the braille institute is not a government thing so there is no funding and she will have to pay for anything she needs without government help. FUCK. yeah I’m a bit down. thankful for all my other outlets. wish I could be there for her more than just next week when I visit. going to play with kittens for a bit to make me feel better.

too much work

March 26th, 2011

By loki |

I’m slowly dieing.
I’m caving in.
no time for crying cuz my
breathe is wearing thin

Seriously can’t be bothered with having diabetes. I can accept the disease, but I can’t accept all the paperwork that comes with it.


oh the horror of wanting to make something

March 19th, 2011

By loki |

So i’m working with my new processor…argh….so close and so far.

so many more options now, so many more dials. I will not give up, I will conquer, and my music will continue. but this sucks….I need to be left alone for an hour with the guys that created the software. either they will have a better understanding of what guitar players need to touch, or they will have been touched by a guitar player that realizes they don’t get it….but they will want to before they get another beating like that.

did I mention that last night I was bring in my instruments from the patio before going to bed and while carrying my Big Apple Strat my loving puppy Freya clipped me. I know she was just happy to run by me in a happy way, but tripping me up while carrying a guitar I love is wrong. the sound it made when it hit the ground was similar to my heart being beaten on the sidewalk by every bully I knew growing up….and as i type this, Freya walks up and kicks my guitar cable loose….I think she hates this guitar.

in case any of you wonder…the guitar is okay. chipped…but sounding alright. but seriously chipped.

that said….

would not trade a hundred guitars for one Freya.

would not trade a bazillion anytings for the friends I have.

Love you guys.

going to tell Fenris he doesn’t need to protect us right now.


feeling more alive

March 15th, 2011

By loki |

Just spent over an hour on my patio annoying my dogs with my acoustic guitar. Not sure why I finally picked it up again, but very happy I did. Starting to feel alive again. Starting to create again. I think the 90 minutes of assembling a bed from Ikea earlier tonight helped me find my Zen. Another few nights like this and I might start creating again, not just stumbling through old music. I see several nights of going through old ideas….maybe just saying fuck it and creating from scratch.

that’s all I got right now. feeling Zen and running with it.

so lost

March 9th, 2011

By loki |

I think I’ve lost everything. I know I lost focus. I know I lost my grasp of reality. But now I think I’ve lost it all….and sadly I don’t know if I want it back.

I no longer feel wanted or needed or worthy in this reality. Not sure what else I should want. I just know that what I have wanted will never happen. Maybe I shouldn’t be listening to old Paris Burning songs when posting…but I do want to feel again, dream again, maybe even breathe again.

want to be me again….maybe if I sleep…if only I could.

what to say….

December 19th, 2008

By loki |

I’d just like to point out that a band I’m in is playing tomorrow, 12/19/2008, in case anyone wants to come out and be silly with me that night. more details available at http://www.chunkrockrecords.com/calendar.

Moving on from there…the whole velocity DJ gig thing has started to simmer down. Even Tommy posted about maybe he was being too emotional in his rants. I’m not sure if I agree with him though. Now that I’ve had a few days to think things over and look at email exchanges and actual conversations with the people involved, I’m positive I got fucked over and was blantently lied to. I’ve even got the email responses where specific questions are asked and replies are not truthfully outright lies but definite avoidance’s of honest answers. I’m actually becoming convinced that there is no such thing as a goth scene with out conflict and hate. I spent a few days really enjoying the fact that I have some really good friends that would do anything for me and would actually confront me if I’m in the wrong(and they have recently)and I’ve also had some acquaintances that are anything but real friends. I’m going to move on with my life now. I’m going to go back to making music and becoming more than the number 8 band in the Italian Alternative Charts, and more than just a band on a comp that breaks into the German Alternative Charts. And I will always remember my true friends that have reminded me that I can be more than just some DJ in a small scene in a small town where nothing comes from or ever becomes. I’ve bitten back my angst quite a bit on this whole thing…and I’ve been dieing to just let go….but I think I’m better than that…

Again, to all my friends, I love you guys. I have no words for how much you’ve done for me. Maybe I’ll write you a song.


oh the dram I can cause without trying

December 16th, 2008

By loki |

So I’ve been quiet for a while on my journal while I organize my life and get things in order. Actually I’ve been going non stop with different projects or problems. I’ve been playing shows or working overtime or nursing a knee problem or stuck in bed with a cold….or just trying to have a life….it’s hard work.

But this week something occurred that made me actually realize I need to come out of my online social coma and actually make some posts/responses to the world.

The big news, I am no longer the DJ at velocity for their “goth night”. After leaving a wonderful party early because I felt obligated and didn’t want a guest DJ to be stuck for so long without a break(oh and I only got to hear the first half of Joan Jett’s first song before rushing out of the venue), I had time to drop off my gear and be avoided by everyone that knew what was going on until the manager of the bar asked to talk to me in the office….oh yeah this would end well. I was told “my services were no longer required.” I responded with a simple statement of “understood.” And without any questions asked I was told “business has been bad.” Again I said “understood.” It was then expressed that they hoped there were no hard feelings as I was led out of the office. This is where I asked if Tiffinay was going to be able to finish the night by herself and was asked “who’s Tiffany?” All sorts of stuff was going on in my head as I realized all sorts of things….like the way the promoter had been avoiding me and my emails this week, the way the Myspank site password changed, the way I hadn’t been mentioned in any advertisement during the week(but two other dj’s were already being promoted for the new years gig), the way the current dj’s husband was up in the booth shielding her from me and asking all sorts of questions to me that were really kind of stupid and strange(as if he was delaying me until the manager could show up), and why is it that the manager has no idea who is djing but is firing his current dj?

After that the world went really weird on me. It was all a little confusing. I’m not sure if I felt relieved or pissed. I was stuck in a bit of mix up. After I told Suriel, Paula mentioned that maybe we could say that I quit. Her current explanation for this suggestion is it would allow me to save face since I was apparently shocked and hurt. but the fact that I just walked in acting happy about doing a night of playing fun gothic music and walked out 10 minutes later with all my cds and headphones looking shocked was not going to keep that story going. And after I explained it to those outside the club that saw this and wanted an explanation, I decided I’ll just keep quiet about things and let the pieces fall where they will….yeah I’m talking about it hear on my journal, but there are only 6 people that read it and I’m sure they all know the story by now.

And then something beautiful and tragic happened. Almost everyone I know personally(at least most of those I know that were at the club and found out about the situation) left. There were even others that showed up later and found out things that also left. This is beautiful because it means there are a lot of people in the world that really value me and were offended on my behalf. This is tragic because the only night I really liked in the current phoenix goth scene is going to suffer. I’m not sure how much of the decision to let me go was personal, political, emotional, or actually business. I do know it was done in a stupid way and if any one wants to argue for or against my dismissal, please keep in mind the big picture…..or then again our scene has always failed because we can’t keep in mind the big picture…that’s why we’re the 6th largest metropolitan area in the country and can’t keep a goth scene. We had the killing jar for almost a year when Sam Rosenthal explained to me we had the perfect scene with no clicks or sub groups, just a goth scene that realized they had to stick together…and 3 months later I was being reprimanded for mentioning an industrial club when interviewed for a magazine article because they didn’t want to be affiliated with the goth scene…So I give full permission for everyone affiliated with this event to rage and thrash and scream against the system and the world and our own scene and tear us all apart. I’m just going to say nothing….other than I really would have liked to stay and watch Joan Jett play. That was fucked up. Getting fired from the DJ gig sucks, but not as much as missing Joan Jett so it could be done in person. Bad form.

So I’ll say nothing else on this subject other than to correct others when they are blatantly wrong. which is what I’m about to go do on the Livejournal shit storm that is currently happening.

Again to all of my friends that have shown me their true measure during this event, I have no words. I really didn’t expect it. Perhaps that’s why I’m taking this so much better than all of you. I’m finally realizing I have friends that would sacrifice or stand up for me. I’m kind of glad this happened on a personal level….I’m on top of the world right now.

Tanx all

lessons learned and bridges burned

September 28th, 2008

By loki |

So I’m back from our show in Missouri.

Things went different in ways that can’t be described accurately. But the whole world has changed.

So some of you will have heard that Jay is no longer playing live with the band. I’ll just let you all listen to his version of things and you can draw your own conclusions. I told the rest of Reliquary to just ask the locals about it and not go by my or his versions.

Other than that, I saw some really pretty country, I giggled a lot, I met some very kick ass people stuck in a small town with no real scene, and I played a really excellent show. I would go back to play a show in Springfield Missouri anytime the rest of the band can make it. There were also some really cool bands to hang out with.

Because of the whole “controversy” thing, Suriel decided to just skip her flight and drive back with me. We had the most wonderful talks for about 20 hours. There was a slight delay when we stopped in Albuquerque at the same hotel Jay and I rested at on the first night. We felt that karma required that we return the pillow Jay stole and had a pizza before passing out for 7 hours.

I’m now home with a week off from work and ready to finish cleaning the old rental house and unpack at the new house that we actually own. I’ve also got this show with the Low Men on Thursday at Hollywood Alley. Should be interesting. Then I’m back to my standard scheduel including the DJ slot at Velocity on Saturday. Josh is supposed to be my guest DJ, but he’s a really good friend of Jay so I’m not sure how that will turn out. I’m still not sure how most of my friends will handle the whole fall out thing. I’ve only heard from the ones that Jay contacted directly because they wanted to verify facts. And I’m not giving any. I’m a bastard like that.

So I’m going to start my official week of vacation with no real plans now.

See ya

What have I got myself into?????

August 24th, 2008

By loki |

So I’m officially doing the DJ thing again starting on September 6th. We’ve got a goth night arranged at the gay club that has taken over the old Mason Jar. Every Saturday will be a no cover dance night at Velocity(but in my mind it will be the Mason Jar for eternity). I’m just afraid that the world has changed in the last 3 years and I don’t know what the goth crowd dances too…..I’m pretty sure I know what they want but I’m not positive. I mean every club night I’ve gone to has shown that the floor is empty unless you play an old club hit….I know I’ve spent the last 3 years working on my own music(and going to Europe playing it) but has there been no new good goth in all this time?!?!

I’ve just finished 4 hours tonight of sorting cd’s into folders to take with me on my new DJ adventure. And it’s about 1/2 of what I used to bring with me….and very little new stuff. Is this stuff still good for club playing. and why did I reject the other half that I don’t want to take with me???

When I took this DJ spot, it was all about having fun and not worrying about anything. No set up or break down, no promotion….I’m just the dj that shows up and plays songs for people to hopefully enjoy….then I heard words to cause fear…..Dot stated that she and her friends were going to come out to hear her favorite DJ play…UHHHHHH….now I feel like I’m performing….Although, my favorite thing to do as a dj is make Dot dance and hope she’ll do a spinning jump mid song.

….I took the spot as a fun thing to do on Saturday’s, now it seems like a chance to make gothic dance music happen again…..and I’ve been out of the game for too long. I see lots of nights with me trolling the Myspace/youtube world looking for what is goth now. All to see if I can make Dot dance all night.

DAMN YOU DOT….Phoenix will soon have the best goth dance night because of you and how guilty I’d feel if I didn’t find the best goth dance music for you. I’ll still play Depeche Mode for Paula, and Diene Lekiene for Suriel, but for you there will be new You Shriek and Anders Manga and Autumn and Collide, and hopefully a new sound out of Crux Shadows. I hope you like the old time favorites as well because I can’t do a night without Alien Sex Fiend, Specimen, Tones on Tail, and Soft Cell….but really, my mission in life is to see you doing those aerial spins during dramatic pauses in songs….I should probably ask suriel to create a spreadsheet with songs that have good pauses…

Anywho…I’m terrified and anxious about the new goth night.

I’ve also got this new home thing, the show in Missouri, the usual work stuff, and other bands to work out. I’m starting to worry about if I’ve been booted from one of the bands. I should have an answer tomorrow about it. If so…be prepared for a huge rant….

Okay and now we ask for suggestions. Suggestions on how to live my life would be stupid as I have no intention of listening to anyone’s idea of life, but maybe some of you could suggestion newer good goth music. I’m completely open to it as long as it’s dark and…..that’s about it. Oh and it should be danceable. That’s what we’re looking for. Dark Dance Music.

I’m also willing to listen to suggestions about other aspects of my life…..like you think I should become a gay monk or that I should renounce electricity. Seriously, you guys can give me suggestions aside from new music to play in a club, but it should have some real life appeal or be really funny to consider.

So I’m going to call it a night from the internet and go through my current cd’s for DJing while wondering what I’m missing….or maybe I’ll just troll Youtube looking for stuff…