I’d just like to point out that a band I’m in is playing tomorrow, 12/19/2008, in case anyone wants to come out and be silly with me that night. more details available at http://www.chunkrockrecords.com/calendar.

Moving on from there…the whole velocity DJ gig thing has started to simmer down. Even Tommy posted about maybe he was being too emotional in his rants. I’m not sure if I agree with him though. Now that I’ve had a few days to think things over and look at email exchanges and actual conversations with the people involved, I’m positive I got fucked over and was blantently lied to. I’ve even got the email responses where specific questions are asked and replies are not truthfully outright lies but definite avoidance’s of honest answers. I’m actually becoming convinced that there is no such thing as a goth scene with out conflict and hate. I spent a few days really enjoying the fact that I have some really good friends that would do anything for me and would actually confront me if I’m in the wrong(and they have recently)and I’ve also had some acquaintances that are anything but real friends. I’m going to move on with my life now. I’m going to go back to making music and becoming more than the number 8 band in the Italian Alternative Charts, and more than just a band on a comp that breaks into the German Alternative Charts. And I will always remember my true friends that have reminded me that I can be more than just some DJ in a small scene in a small town where nothing comes from or ever becomes. I’ve bitten back my angst quite a bit on this whole thing…and I’ve been dieing to just let go….but I think I’m better than that…

Again, to all my friends, I love you guys. I have no words for how much you’ve done for me. Maybe I’ll write you a song.

LoKI

So I’ve been quiet for a while on my journal while I organize my life and get things in order. Actually I’ve been going non stop with different projects or problems. I’ve been playing shows or working overtime or nursing a knee problem or stuck in bed with a cold….or just trying to have a life….it’s hard work.

But this week something occurred that made me actually realize I need to come out of my online social coma and actually make some posts/responses to the world.

The big news, I am no longer the DJ at velocity for their “goth night”. After leaving a wonderful party early because I felt obligated and didn’t want a guest DJ to be stuck for so long without a break(oh and I only got to hear the first half of Joan Jett’s first song before rushing out of the venue), I had time to drop off my gear and be avoided by everyone that knew what was going on until the manager of the bar asked to talk to me in the office….oh yeah this would end well. I was told “my services were no longer required.” I responded with a simple statement of “understood.” And without any questions asked I was told “business has been bad.” Again I said “understood.” It was then expressed that they hoped there were no hard feelings as I was led out of the office. This is where I asked if Tiffinay was going to be able to finish the night by herself and was asked “who’s Tiffany?” All sorts of stuff was going on in my head as I realized all sorts of things….like the way the promoter had been avoiding me and my emails this week, the way the Myspank site password changed, the way I hadn’t been mentioned in any advertisement during the week(but two other dj’s were already being promoted for the new years gig), the way the current dj’s husband was up in the booth shielding her from me and asking all sorts of questions to me that were really kind of stupid and strange(as if he was delaying me until the manager could show up), and why is it that the manager has no idea who is djing but is firing his current dj?

After that the world went really weird on me. It was all a little confusing. I’m not sure if I felt relieved or pissed. I was stuck in a bit of mix up. After I told Suriel, Paula mentioned that maybe we could say that I quit. Her current explanation for this suggestion is it would allow me to save face since I was apparently shocked and hurt. but the fact that I just walked in acting happy about doing a night of playing fun gothic music and walked out 10 minutes later with all my cds and headphones looking shocked was not going to keep that story going. And after I explained it to those outside the club that saw this and wanted an explanation, I decided I’ll just keep quiet about things and let the pieces fall where they will….yeah I’m talking about it hear on my journal, but there are only 6 people that read it and I’m sure they all know the story by now.

And then something beautiful and tragic happened. Almost everyone I know personally(at least most of those I know that were at the club and found out about the situation) left. There were even others that showed up later and found out things that also left. This is beautiful because it means there are a lot of people in the world that really value me and were offended on my behalf. This is tragic because the only night I really liked in the current phoenix goth scene is going to suffer. I’m not sure how much of the decision to let me go was personal, political, emotional, or actually business. I do know it was done in a stupid way and if any one wants to argue for or against my dismissal, please keep in mind the big picture…..or then again our scene has always failed because we can’t keep in mind the big picture…that’s why we’re the 6th largest metropolitan area in the country and can’t keep a goth scene. We had the killing jar for almost a year when Sam Rosenthal explained to me we had the perfect scene with no clicks or sub groups, just a goth scene that realized they had to stick together…and 3 months later I was being reprimanded for mentioning an industrial club when interviewed for a magazine article because they didn’t want to be affiliated with the goth scene…So I give full permission for everyone affiliated with this event to rage and thrash and scream against the system and the world and our own scene and tear us all apart. I’m just going to say nothing….other than I really would have liked to stay and watch Joan Jett play. That was fucked up. Getting fired from the DJ gig sucks, but not as much as missing Joan Jett so it could be done in person. Bad form.

So I’ll say nothing else on this subject other than to correct others when they are blatantly wrong. which is what I’m about to go do on the Livejournal shit storm that is currently happening.

Again to all of my friends that have shown me their true measure during this event, I have no words. I really didn’t expect it. Perhaps that’s why I’m taking this so much better than all of you. I’m finally realizing I have friends that would sacrifice or stand up for me. I’m kind of glad this happened on a personal level….I’m on top of the world right now.

Tanx all
LoKI

So I’m back from our show in Missouri.

Things went different in ways that can’t be described accurately. But the whole world has changed.

So some of you will have heard that Jay is no longer playing live with the band. I’ll just let you all listen to his version of things and you can draw your own conclusions. I told the rest of Reliquary to just ask the locals about it and not go by my or his versions.

Other than that, I saw some really pretty country, I giggled a lot, I met some very kick ass people stuck in a small town with no real scene, and I played a really excellent show. I would go back to play a show in Springfield Missouri anytime the rest of the band can make it. There were also some really cool bands to hang out with.

Because of the whole “controversy” thing, Suriel decided to just skip her flight and drive back with me. We had the most wonderful talks for about 20 hours. There was a slight delay when we stopped in Albuquerque at the same hotel Jay and I rested at on the first night. We felt that karma required that we return the pillow Jay stole and had a pizza before passing out for 7 hours.

I’m now home with a week off from work and ready to finish cleaning the old rental house and unpack at the new house that we actually own. I’ve also got this show with the Low Men on Thursday at Hollywood Alley. Should be interesting. Then I’m back to my standard scheduel including the DJ slot at Velocity on Saturday. Josh is supposed to be my guest DJ, but he’s a really good friend of Jay so I’m not sure how that will turn out. I’m still not sure how most of my friends will handle the whole fall out thing. I’ve only heard from the ones that Jay contacted directly because they wanted to verify facts. And I’m not giving any. I’m a bastard like that.

So I’m going to start my official week of vacation with no real plans now.

See ya

So I’m officially doing the DJ thing again starting on September 6th. We’ve got a goth night arranged at the gay club that has taken over the old Mason Jar. Every Saturday will be a no cover dance night at Velocity(but in my mind it will be the Mason Jar for eternity). I’m just afraid that the world has changed in the last 3 years and I don’t know what the goth crowd dances too…..I’m pretty sure I know what they want but I’m not positive. I mean every club night I’ve gone to has shown that the floor is empty unless you play an old club hit….I know I’ve spent the last 3 years working on my own music(and going to Europe playing it) but has there been no new good goth in all this time?!?!

I’ve just finished 4 hours tonight of sorting cd’s into folders to take with me on my new DJ adventure. And it’s about 1/2 of what I used to bring with me….and very little new stuff. Is this stuff still good for club playing. and why did I reject the other half that I don’t want to take with me???

When I took this DJ spot, it was all about having fun and not worrying about anything. No set up or break down, no promotion….I’m just the dj that shows up and plays songs for people to hopefully enjoy….then I heard words to cause fear…..Dot stated that she and her friends were going to come out to hear her favorite DJ play…UHHHHHH….now I feel like I’m performing….Although, my favorite thing to do as a dj is make Dot dance and hope she’ll do a spinning jump mid song.

….I took the spot as a fun thing to do on Saturday’s, now it seems like a chance to make gothic dance music happen again…..and I’ve been out of the game for too long. I see lots of nights with me trolling the Myspace/youtube world looking for what is goth now. All to see if I can make Dot dance all night.

DAMN YOU DOT….Phoenix will soon have the best goth dance night because of you and how guilty I’d feel if I didn’t find the best goth dance music for you. I’ll still play Depeche Mode for Paula, and Diene Lekiene for Suriel, but for you there will be new You Shriek and Anders Manga and Autumn and Collide, and hopefully a new sound out of Crux Shadows. I hope you like the old time favorites as well because I can’t do a night without Alien Sex Fiend, Specimen, Tones on Tail, and Soft Cell….but really, my mission in life is to see you doing those aerial spins during dramatic pauses in songs….I should probably ask suriel to create a spreadsheet with songs that have good pauses…

Anywho…I’m terrified and anxious about the new goth night.

I’ve also got this new home thing, the show in Missouri, the usual work stuff, and other bands to work out. I’m starting to worry about if I’ve been booted from one of the bands. I should have an answer tomorrow about it. If so…be prepared for a huge rant….

Okay and now we ask for suggestions. Suggestions on how to live my life would be stupid as I have no intention of listening to anyone’s idea of life, but maybe some of you could suggestion newer good goth music. I’m completely open to it as long as it’s dark and…..that’s about it. Oh and it should be danceable. That’s what we’re looking for. Dark Dance Music.

I’m also willing to listen to suggestions about other aspects of my life…..like you think I should become a gay monk or that I should renounce electricity. Seriously, you guys can give me suggestions aside from new music to play in a club, but it should have some real life appeal or be really funny to consider.

So I’m going to call it a night from the internet and go through my current cd’s for DJing while wondering what I’m missing….or maybe I’ll just troll Youtube looking for stuff…

Nite

So it’s me again. Trying to keep my head above the waters of confusion.

Too many things are going on right now for me to be able to focus.

I’m really starting to think that I need to cut away some of my commitments and just get some space. And it’s really weird for me to realize which things I’d cut away from first.

I’ve just had a DJ gig open up for me on Saturdays and realized, it’s no conflict, or problem for me. That’s how weird my world is right now. I’ve been given a night of DJing for 4-6 hours and I have no problem with it because it doesn’t conflict with every other night of my life that is causing conflicts and regrets….but now my Saturday nights are gone. I wasn’t using them in any way, but still, it’s one less night to myself….and yet I’m kind of happy about it and relieved. As if it’s something I really want and not just filling up time like I do with every other waking moment.

I really need to rethink how I’m living my life and what I want and what I’m doing. I’m definitly spreading myself too much with bands right now. I’m definitly not taking enough time off from work. I’m definitly being too social. I’m definitly not getting any real downtime.

I think I could handle all of this, if I just had a little more time. Time to get my self right inside. Time to recharge my inner self. I’m running on empty, surviving each day, then sleeping until the next day starts. I’m so tired. Tired of the day to day. all the things I’m committed to right now are just building.

My last vacation was a week off in January to see my Mom in California. and from that time all I really learned was sadness about how she is surviving without her best friend, my dad, and that I really miss the burgers from Brea’s Best. Before that I took off 3 weeks to play the Reliquary world tour of Portland/Leipzig. Other than that, I haven’t had any real time off since my father died and that wasn’t really a vacation or break from the world.

Now I’ve got a show in Missouri at the end of next month, along with closing on my first house, and another band that’s about to start playing out around town. I’m so tired.

Well things will work out or they won’t. I do know that I’m going to have a huge talk with Reliquary tomorrow at practice about my life and what’s going on with me and them…..It might be good.

I’m going to go collapse now.

Nite

LokI

I’m in such a strange place right now. My muse has come back to haunt me and I’m creating new songs again. I’ve been dry for about a month with no new ideas and just sitting up late at night drinking while looking at all the boxes we’ve packed for our hopeful move….no new song ideas in sight….

Suddenly fate steps in.

We’re offered a house(we’ve been offered lots, but never gotten an acceptance)but the date of closing will be when we’re in Missouri playing a show. On top of that some of our best friends break up(one of them being our keyboard player) throwing personal turmoil into the mix.

and then the cruelty hits…..my muse who has been silent for months shows up to give me new songs. Gods how I hate my muse. Most of my papers used for documenting chord progressions and synth sequences are already packed, all studio stuff not required are packed, simple chord sheets I prepared ahead of time are packed…..toping all of this off is the break up of our friends forcing me to store all of our keyboard players equipement in our temporary home….and I start playing with them and come up with 3 more songs….Damn you Muse….that I’m now trying to figure out the best way to record on scraps of paper….this on top of the fact that we’ve got 7 songs for cd 3 ready for serious recoding ideas before cd 2 is released….

Oh and this other band I’m in called the Low Men is about to release it’s first CD and start playing locally once a week if not more.

Then today we found out that we’re going to get the house we’ve been hoping for(inspections will be the deciding factor) but closing will happen the week before we leave for the Missouri show.

I’ve got too many conflicting things going on right now….really want them it all to work out but not seeing any thing being fixed.

In conclusion…..Have a huge show in 6 weeks…have a first home closing in 6 weeks….have a new cd out in 6-10 weeks. have another cd out in about 6 weeks…..missing convergence 14 this week….

…..going to go on rocking from today onward…

LoKI.

so I’m up late feeling sad and a little pissed off.

the basic sub plot that creates this is that 2 good friends of mine are now in a breakup situation. I know the general facts and how it all came about, and I have some personal feelings about how it came about and how it ended. Over all, I’m really sad for both of them and a little pissed at both of them(but that’s not what I’m really pissed about). I’m not planning on writing either of them off as friends, but the whole situation is making me seriously start to think about all of my relations with everyone I know. I’ve spent about an hour with my guitar feeling sad{please ignore this note, but I don’t want to forget it…G/Em/C/D-C/B/C/D…capo on 4th fret, open B and E strings} and thinking through what really pissed me off while trying to let the sadness back in.

So after a silly night of playing D&D where I did my best to jump up and down on the dead orcs we created we called it quits and I thought I could get home without having to discuss the break up of our friends…..but no we couldn’t get out in time and the subject came up. I tried to say nothing but eventually it was asked if I knew something and I stated quite clearly that I knew nothing and wanted it to stay that way. I really don’t want to get caught up in the rumor mill and don’t want to take sides….but this was more of a question about a fact and not a question of opinion….and I have no real facts other than they broke up, she’s gone for a week, he’s trying to find a place to live. …..and then it was made clear to me that it’s a good thing I don’t know because the others in the conversation do know and I might let some information slip if I was drunk.

thanks guys.

I appreciate your honest feelings of me.

and then the wheels start turning and I find myself trying to explain all of this to the stray cat that comes into our backyard hoping for food while I noodle around with my guitar on the patio.

For any of you helping out in a black op, coup, hostile takeover, leveraged buy out, or planned break up(yeah I know it might be the best solution)….don’t tell the people your decieving(or just keeping in the dark) that you’re keeping them in the dark. It’s unprofessional.

Normally I’d go on here about how no one really trusts me or wants to be around me but they are required to accept me because of other relations…..but I’ve used that excuse too many times. I’ll just go with the fact that I want to stay out of the rumor shit storm that’s coming so please leave me out of the conversations.

Other than that sad stuff….

HMM

No new news on the reliquary front other than some email arguments and lack of confirmation from our record label about new mixes. We do have about 6 new songs you will not be hearing for about a year, and about 14 other ideas that you probably won’t hear for 2 years….I’m just estimating on these dates.

The Low Men plan to release their first cd in early August and should be playing gigs around then too. The new drummer, Julie, is working out better than we had hoped for. She’s even proved her dedication by damaging her wrists from the daily practicing and now has to wear those bracers they give to people with carple tunnel syndrome. 2-3 hours of drum practice each day will do that. Keep your eyes on this space for upcoming show dates.

I don’t think I have much else to report. I haven’t written much because I’ve been so busy and things have been working out too well. I actually thought my muse had left me again. For the last 2 months I’ve been trying to create new music ideas and have just been left empty. but tonight, I was sad and she was there again humming songs into my head that I could create. I hate being sad, but at least I can create new song ideas while I’m there.

Anywho….I’m done for now. Maybe I’ll go play with my guitar some more, maybe I’ll youtube some 80’s new wave songs.

Nite

up way too late…should have been asleep hours ago….bug since I was up I thought I’d post

so Loki news…nothing specific, other than really liking my friends more than usual. they’ve all stepped up and been there for me in ways they don’t even realize…

Job news….still reading huge documents everyday looking for typo’s and wishing there was some more glamour like ninja attacks or attempts poison me with the water cooler…none of these are likelly but the ninja attack would be cool to see.

Music news, 2 bands playing on July 4th….I am so prepared for this but so exhausted and I don’t think anyone knows how much time I’ve put into the whole thing. Really just want it to be over….

House Hunting….10 offers, 0 houses so far……at least the last denial wasn’t for a lower offer but higher down payment. Relistate prices confuse me. math is hard, lets go shopping…

I’ve just finished 90 minutes of Reliquary practice, 45 minutes bonding time with my Suriel, and 120 minutes of Acidica practice…I’m done and I need sleep..

Nite all…hope some of you come out to see us on the 4th….if not…check back here for updates on my mental state and possible houses for me and my Suriel.

Nite

LOki

I was so going to rant and rave about so many things….

buying a house is a lot of paper work and a lot of wait and see….

Bands are hard to be involved with…..they actually want you to participate….

jobs actually want you to show up every day….

gas and food is apparently more expensive…..

too many choices, not enough time….

short version of it all…..deep breathe….

Reliquary needs to meet and hear all the songs I’ve created
Low Men/Reptiles need never change their name again or I’ll be very pissed and refuse to acknowledge the band by anything other than the Reptiles….oh and we’ve got a drummer if we don’t scare her off, and I think she’s really working well with us….other than she mentioned she hiked 12 miles the other day…..what????
Acidica has aparently made me part of the team….I can’t really commit, but ye gods, it’s so fun to play these songs, and I’ve got all sorts of ideas for bass lines without changing their songs, just adding…

and I only have one more week of the occasional 13 hour day at work and can start going back to 40 hour weeks….sooon…..I think….

I’m tired…not that suicidal tired I usual refer to in my posts hoping someone…..anyone…will come to my aid….I’m just tired.

I want to sleep in. I want to wake up at 2 in the afternoon and not wonder if I was up late drinking on a nonwork night….I want to just collapse and get up eventually when my body and mind are both ready.

I need a night of sleep where not only do I not think of tomorrow, but I don’t think of what I need to do for taking tomorrow off…

I’m lost and a drift….and I’m going to try to lose myself a bit for the night…

nite all
LoKI

I’ve had the most wonderful birthday I can remember. No angst, no regrets, no second thoughts about what I’d change….er…maybe a few second thoughts….but they would be limited to making sure we had correct addresses for everyone and made sure they all knew about it, as a few people never responded and weren’t there, and a few others found out at the last minute from other that we’re on their way over.

….anywho….

I love my friends so much. I had so much fun this weekend, and I even got stories, which was what I really wanted more than anything else. The painful rib cramps from laughing were also a nice bonus as they are supposed to represent replacing sit ups with laughing….and they do hurt more than any sit ups I’ve ever done and were more fun doing.

thank you all soooo much….not just for my birthday party, but for being my friends.

Muwah to all you….and eventually there will be pictures of me kissing ryan that will explain that sound.

Nite all.